Insecurity in Relationships: Understanding Where They Come from and How to Heal
Insecurity can come from a place deep down within, often unrecognizable at first. It may be a fear of not being enough for your partner or of losing your partner due to circumstances beyond your control. You may also have lingering feelings from a past experience that you haven’t been able to shake.
When left unresolved, these feelings can become cracks that will eventually break down your emotional safety, trust, and intimacy with your partner. Understanding where these feelings come from is a crucial step towards finding healing.
Where Insecurity Comes From
Past Experiences
The relationships we have with our parents/caregivers set the tone for how we form future relationships. When you develop an anxious or avoidance attachment style, as a result of an unstable or neglectful home environment, it can follow you into adulthood. This dynamic alone can shape how safe we feel with a partner.
Similarly, previous intimate relationships can also factor into our views going forward. If you’ve had negative experiences where you were betrayed or emotionally hurt, it’s normal to harbor fear that it will happen again.
Low Self-Esteem
If you’re not happy and accepting of yourself, you will likely project that onto others. Low self-esteem can lead to a constant need for reassurance, frequent comparisons, and feelings of unworthiness. This negative thought pattern can strain the health of any relationship.
Fear of Abandonment
Fear of being abandoned by your partner can lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as being overly clingy, seeking validation, overanalyzing your partner, or keeping them at arm’s length. This fear ends up causing you trust issues that hinder growth.
Unrealistic Expectations
Insecurity can also be the result of having too perfect or unrealistic expectations of your partner. When the bar is set extremely high, it can be difficult for them to meet all your needs. If their actions don’t align with your expectations, it can leave you feeling inadequate or insecure.
A Lack of Communication
Communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship. When there are gaps or unclear boundaries, it can lead to misunderstandings. Conflict of any kind can be a cause for uncertainty and insecurity.
How to Heal Feelings of Insecurity
The road to healing is more of a marathon than a sprint. With the right balance of intention and support, you can feel more secure in your relationships.
Spend Time on Self-Reflection
Your first step in finding healing is to identify your triggers. Where does your fear come from? Look for any patterns or beliefs that are holding you back.
Build Your Self-Esteem
The next step is getting more comfortable with yourself. Learn how to express compassion and gratitude, celebrate personal strengths, and feel confident. As you become more secure in your own skin, you will have less need for external validation.
Strengthen Your Communication
Express any feelings — good or bad — to your partner. Let them into your experience. Being vulnerable will strengthen your connection, and communicating more clearly will minimize misunderstanding.
Seeking Additional Support
If feelings of insecurity are affecting your relationships, help is available. You don’t have to travel this journey alone.
Therapy can offer you a safe environment to identify the cause of your fears, better understand your triggers, and learn how to build confidence to move forward. Whether you’re struggling to move on from past wounds or looking to grow in your current situation, taking this first step can be a powerful one. Reach out to us to start the healing process.