What’s the Appeal of Red Flags in a Relationship?
And yet, many of us find ourselves drawn to people whose behavior and personality traits are questionable at best. So what’s the logic behind it? Why are red flags so appealing at first?
Understanding the Psychology Behind Attraction
Attraction isn’t always a logical concept. Our behavioral patterns and the qualities we subconsciously look for are often rooted in our early life experiences.
If you grew up in a home environment where you were loved unconditionally, you develop healthy attachment styles. However, if you were raised in an unstable environment where love was conditional or inconsistent, you may have developed an unhealthy attachment style. As you transition into adulthood, this can lead to being drawn to partners who exhibit inconsistencies in their feelings and emotions.
Red flags can also pose a certain thrill factor. There’s often higher:
Charisma
Mystery
Intensity
Excitement
In the early stages of a relationship, this can be mistaken for chemistry. Unfortunately, none of these things equals safety and security.
Familiarity Isn’t Always Healthy
In some instances, red flags can feel familiar. When looking for a partner, familiarity can make you feel safe. You know what to expect and how to react, in principle.
When you’ve repeatedly experienced criticism or been privy to emotional unavailability, you have a higher likelihood of seeking out this dynamic with a partner. It’s not so much that you enjoy being hurt or mistreated. This behavior pattern has simply become normalized over the years of past experiences.
This holds true for people who make it their goal to be fixers for their partners. Feeling like you can fix things creates this false sense of being needed or being able to transform unhealthy habits into healthy ones.
The Role of Self-Worth
Your relationship with your self-esteem and self-worth plays a part in how you approach potential partners. If you tell yourself you don’t deserve the very best qualities in a relationship, you’re more likely to settle for less — like those red flags. It’s that much easier to rationalize these behaviors as something false positive, like being extremely passionate.
On the other hand, you may be drawn to people with red flags because you see them as a challenge that you can conquer. If you act just the right way, you’ll be able to pull the emotions out of someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Social and Cultural Influences
We live in a heavily pop culture-driven society, which doesn’t help the case against red flags. Movies and TV romanticize toxic relationships. Brooding characters are worth chasing after. Dramatic fights lead to passionate makeups with a happy ending. This skewed portrayal paints an unrealistic picture of what real love should look like.
Social media doesn’t help the situation either. The pressures of being in these post-worthy relationships, with curated images of the “perfect” relationship, can make it easier to overlook red flags and avoid being alone.
Breaking the Pattern
Recognizing the appeal of red flags is your first step in breaking this pattern. You need to have the information to make conscious choices in a different direction. Healthy relationships may not have the intensity and fireworks, but they do offer respect and emotional safety.
If you find yourself drawn to red flags over and over again, it may be time to explore why. Schedule an individual counseling session to learn more about our services.